


Of Monsters and Trainwrecks

by dragonworks



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Azula (Avatar) Redemption, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Zuko (Avatar)-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:14:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28138278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonworks/pseuds/dragonworks
Summary: One year after the defeat of Ozai, Zuko is Fire Lord, Azula is at Ember Island trying to regain her mental health, and the rest of the Gaang is off in different parts of the world.Then Azula disappears and Zuko just wants to make sure his little sister is alright. But Zuko is not alright, and the Gaang's heart aches for Zuko, who will not stop.
Relationships: Aang & Zuko (Avatar), Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Katara & Zuko (Avatar), Mai & Ty Lee & Zuko, Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Suki & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Home](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/727896) by Cavetown. 



Zuko was tired. Zuko was so, so tired.

But he had another meeting to change the school’s curriculum. And then he had another meeting about more reparations. And then another meeting about repealing discriminatory laws against other nations. And the list kept growing larger and larger as the days went by. A year wasn’t enough time to fix everything and he was still fighting with his advisors and generals about so many laws and decisions.

And yet it was so, so rewarding. The attendants had stopped shying away from him, and had started smiling. The guards respected him. There was laughter in the streets, and more cultural festivals were being held each month. It was so, so rewarding to watch his nation go from imperialistic and war-mongering to peaceful and happy.

This was what the Fire Nation was supposed to be. Fierce and passionate, but also gentle and peaceful and happy.

But Fire Lords were not given days off, and there was still so much that had to be fixed.

And as he waited for his next meeting he skimmed over any information he needed to jam into his brain to argue against the administrators and their protest against an unbiased curriculum.

Just as the meeting was starting a guard came into the room, a messenger following behind her. “Sorry to interrupt, Your Majesty. There’s a message sent from the Princess’s attendants from Ember Island.”

That message made him freeze where he sat, a new throne room he had commissioned in an open windowed room, away from that horrible war room. It may have been a tradition for the Fire Lord to sit there but it made him sick to even be in the room. And this was an era of peace, so a firebender soaking in the sunlight was not seen as disgraceful or weak.

But if there was a message about Azula it couldn’t have been good. He waved the messenger over, the guard flanking his left side taking a step back. Zuko unrolled the message, reading it over a few times before grabbing a few pieces of paper and started to write out a few messages. The message had chilled him to his bones and he needed to prepare.

One to his uncle, one to his friends (or two since Suki, Ty Lee, and Mai were at Kyoshi Island, and the others were at the Southern Water Tribe), one for Azula’s attendants, and one to a trusted captain, Captain Ming, who had been promoted after his coronation.

Once he had sent the letters he was feeling more rushed to finish this meeting, feeling more ruthless.

“Your Majesty, I simply feel that we should not alter the history of our great nation. We have agreed to teach the other nation’s cultures and to teach more about our own art and culture, but this is simply too much change in such a short amount of time.”

Zuko nodded his head appeasingly as the head administrator talked. “What you don’t seem to understand is that most of the history you are teaching is false.” The administrator opened his mouth to argue. Zuko raised his hand to silence him. “I am not done. What you are teaching is false, and I refuse to watch as more Fire Nation children grow up to think that what my great grandfather did was right. It was not, and it has resulted in years of poverty, war, and abuse. What we did was not right, and they deserve to know it. You will be changing the curriculum. You will start teaching the unbiased truth of what happened. You can have your disposal of the royal archives to rewrite the history curriculum, and I will have my Royal Scholars’ help you find whatever you need. Now, I have some business to attend to.”

Zuko stood, walking out of the room with the administrators staring, shocked. He was done with their arguing. And he had something more important to be doing. As he walked toward his private meeting room, he talked to one of his attendants about pushing a few of his meetings back an hour or two. It was still early and two hours wouldn’t make much of a difference. He also asked for maps to be sent to his private meeting room at the earliest convenience.

When he entered his private meeting room, guards in tow behind him, Captain Ming had already been seated, the teapot already heated up, and two cups poured.

Captain Ming made to stand but he waved her away. “Please, stay seated, Captain. I assume you’ve read the extent of my message?”

She nodded. “Yes, I have. Azula has escaped, and you would like to search for her.”

Zuko nodded, sitting down. He was surprised to see the tea made so nicely. “You made the tea?”

“Your uncle taught me a thing or two.”

“Of course he did. Are you able to do this for me, Captain? Are you willing to look for Princess Azula?”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Zuko sighed, his hands wrapped loosely around his cup. “Please do not simply say yes because I’m the Fire Lord. I know how Azula is, and she has not been in her right mind since our Agni Kai. She will be dangerous if you find her, and she might just find you instead. She is cunning and ruthless and powerful. I want you to _decide _to do this. This is not going to be a decision to make lightly, Captain.”__

“Well, I willingly decide to do this for you, Fire Lord Zuko. I will find Princess Azula, and I will be ready for whatever she will try to throw at me.”

“Ok. I have a few ideas about where she could be. Collect a small team of warriors you trust to help you when you leave. Once my attendant gets here with a map I’ll point out places where she could be or where she could be headed.” Captain Ming nodded. There was silence for a minute before he spoke again. “Thank you, Captain. You are doing me a favour by doing this for me. I know what Azula has done.”

“But you still care for her, Your Majesty.” Zuko subconsciously looked down at his hands. “Do not be ashamed for caring, Your Majesty. Because you care for your sister and your nation, and your friends. It does not make you weak. It’s what makes you such a great ruler. It is what makes you a good person.” Zuko’s cheeks turned red, looking up at Captain Ming. “I will do this for you, Your Majesty. I will find the Princess and bring her back to you.”

There is a knock at the door that makes Zuko jump. The guards open the door, letting in an attendant with a few maps in hand. The attendant hands the maps to Zuko, who lays them out on the table. He starts marking out places that Azula could be, Captain Ming following his movements. When he’s done he starts to point out places Azula could be,

“Check here first. I would suggest Kyoshi Island, but Mai and Ty Lee will keep her there if she goes. If she’s not there, check here next.”

And Zuko points out spots she could be, specific places to check. Captain Ming listens cataloguing all the information she will need. “Search everywhere you can in these places. If she’s not in anyone, we might have to do a worldwide search and wherever you go, be ready for anything.”

“I will be, Your Majesty. I will get right on this matter, Fire Lord Zuko, please excuse me.”

Captain Ming gets up to leave. “Thank you, Captain Ming.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

Zuko stayed there, staring into his tea. He wanted a break. He wanted _to _break. But he was the Fire Lord. And a nation doesn’t wait for anyone.__

It was weeks before there was any correspondence from Aang. Katara, Toph, and Sokka had sent messages with Aang’s. It seemed that they had all made the executive decision to come to visit Zuko until Azula was found. 

__Zuko was relieved to hear that they were coming. They had become his family. Not the kind that Ozai had shoved down his throat, burned into his skin, but the kind that he had learned from Uncle Iroh. And he felt safe with them._ _

__So, Zuko readied rooms for the four of them, clearing a small amount of time to meet them in between meetings. Then he waited and waited, anticipating the day that they would get there. Because they were his family now. He had given up on his father, he was never going to get his love, his approval. But he still had them._ _

__When they did arrive, he was greeted by an armful of Aang, Katara and Sokka helping Toph out of Appa’s saddle. And soon Katara had joined their hug, squeezing Zuko and Aang tightly. And when they let go, he had an armful of his boyfriend, pulling him in close for a hug. The courtyard was too public for anything more intimate._ _

__Toph approached slowly, reaching for a punch in the arm once Sokka had let go of Zuko, before linking arms with Zuko’s left arm, Sokka on his other side._ _

__“Show us to our rooms, Sparky. Then I want to go see if you’ve kept up with any of your training.”_ _

__Zuko chuckled lowly. “Of course I have. I can’t let someone four years younger than me beat me, even if they are the greatest earthbender in the world.”_ _

__Toph reached up to push Zuko’s head down playfully, making him stumble, before taking off down the hallway. “The same rooms as usual, Sparky?” Toph yelled down as she ran down the hallway._ _

__Zuko’s smile was wider than it had been in a while. “Of course, Toph. I always reserve them for you.”_ _

__And he did since there were specific guest rooms close to the royal family’s, usually reserved for visiting family._ _

__He turned to Sokka, grinning to find Sokka smiling softly down at him. Then before Sokka could reply, Zuko sprinted down the hallway after Toph, quickly catching up with her._ _

__Zuko let himself be distracted for another hour before his attendant came to collect him for his next meeting. Zuko follows his attendants out of the private training yard they had ended up in, and to his meeting room._ _

__Before he entered the room, he took a moment to breathe and collect himself. This was an important meeting, a law that he had pushed back being repealed for months since it had felt so insignificant next to all the others he had to have repealed. But it was just as important as all the others because it gave his people the freedom to love who they loved and be who they want._ _

__He would not let bigoted assholes stop the law from being repealed. But he would have to fight every step of the way for it._ _

__He stepped into the meeting room, his most important advisors and generals already gathered around the table in the middle of the room. He had been trying for the past room to slowly get rid of those who had fully supported Ozai when he had been Fire Lord. Those who had been there during the Agni Kai and felt no remorse for what they did not stop._ _

__Zuko sighed. _And so the fight began _.___ _

____ _ _

____The meeting went long into the night, the other having arrived sometime in the early evening. When Zuko came back to his room, Sokka was waiting for him, half asleep on one of the chairs in his receiving room._ _ _ _

____Zuko poked Sokka awake, and when he didn’t stir, Zuko picked him up and carried him to bed. He covered Sokka with the blanket and went to collect some documents he had to look over. He gathered them, sliding into bed beside Sokka, sitting up against the headboard with documents to look over._ _ _ _

____As he looks through the documents, Sokka hooks an arm around Zuko’s waist, snuggling closer. Zuko sets one of his arms down, letting it curl around Sokka, who has his face pressed into Zuko’s thigh._ _ _ _

____And Zuko was so, so tired from this. The meetings, the approvals everything. And Sokka was here. And his eyes were heavy. And he was ready to fall asleep._ _ _ _

____Until a sharp knock at his door startles him awake._ _ _ _

____Zuko quickly untangles himself from Sokka, and makes his way to the locked doors, making sure to close his bedroom door tightly behind him. When he opens the door, the messenger from weeks ago was at his door with his guards, a new message in hand._ _ _ _

____Zuko takes the message, thanking the messenger. When the door is closed, he opens the message to taking note that it is from Captain Ming._ _ _ _

____As he reads the message, he collapses slowly onto the ground, leaning back into the closed door behind him. After he rereads it several times, he presses the message to his chest, resting his head on his knees that are curled up into himself._ _ _ _

____Captain Ming couldn’t find Azula. Azula was gone and no one had any clue where. Captain Ming was on her way back to Caldera to regroup and Azula could not be found._ _ _ _

____He takes a few deep breaths to collect himself before he pushed himself back up, and went back into his room. He picked the documents on the bed back up and collected a few more pieces of blank paper and something to write with. He sat back where he was, Sokka curled around him, organizing the documents around him._ _ _ _

____And he got back to work. But he was so tired._ _ _ _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azula finally appears, and Zuko breaks for his sister.
> 
> Zuko would burn for his people. Zuko would burn for his family. But his family does not want to see him turn himself into ash.

Azula had been spotted in the city. And Zuko's mind was racing a mile a minute.

That morning Zuko had been woken up by a knock on his door, startled awake while sitting up leading to him nearly falling off the bed. When he had gone to open the door, another messenger was waiting for him, another message about Azula. 

And his world had started going faster as soon as he was told that Azula had been spotted. He had to order a search party to search everywhere in the city, and make it to all his meetings. He had so much to do and so little time in a day to do it. 

And he was panicking. If Azula was here, she was here for him. And that might mean that his friends, his family might be caught in the crossfire.

When he was going over documents in his office, when he was left to his own devices until dinner, until the next meeting, he got lost in his thoughts. The what-ifs, the worst-case scenarios, and when he finally came back to the present it was from the feeling of bails digging into his scarred face.

It was a nervous habit he had picked up when his scar had first healed. When he was planning all the ways he could find the Avatar, and he had stopped after he had first found Aang, and had only started again a few months ago.

He went to touch the area he had been scratching, feeling the sting of broken skin. It elicited a soft, "Oh."

Because he still had meetings to attend to, and Sokka would worry about what happened to his face. He went to his bathroom, taking a look in the mirror. There wasn't too much blood and the broken skin wasn't noticeable on his scar. So he cleaned away the blood and inspected closely to make sure that it wasn't noticeable. Then he went back to work, trying to immerse himself in the work.

An extra meeting had come up and he had to skip dinner with his friends. And one meeting followed another followed another. Until it was well past sundown and he should probably head back to his room. Sokka was probably waiting for him, and he hadn't had dinner and he had an early meeting.

As he headed back to his room, he decided to take a detour through one of the courtyards. They were beautiful at this time of night. They were peaceful. 

And that's why he was aware enough to dodge the wave of blue fire that was aimed at him. It was why he was able to spot Azula as she walked out of the shadows of the courtyard, already summoning lightning. It was why he was able to redirect it.

"Hello, Zuzu. I see you've been expecting me."

And as she came further into the light of the moon, he could see the manic look in her eye, and he could see the jagged pieces of cut hair that hadn't grown in, and the new pieces that had been cut. 

And he was relieved. And he was terrified. Because here was his little sister. But here was the girl who had blue fire and lightning and would burn and burn and burn before she lost. It may be one of their biggest similarities.

She advanced on him, sending waves and waves of blue flame, and he throws off his outer robe so he can't get caught in it. And when a startled servant comes rushing into the courtyard, he jumps in front of her, Azula's fire burning through his sleeves, burning his arms.

And the scent brings him back to the day his father had cupped his face and set it on fire. 

"Get the Avatar!" Zuko yells at the servant, hoping she will run and hoping she will go before Azula starts attacking again. He tries to keep her distracted as the servant runs, and he knows that he has to back her up into the larger part of the stone courtyard. The farther into the courtyard she is as she attacks, the less likely she is to burn the palace down.

He needs to end this because he can't keep up with her blue flames. She still burned brighter than him, and he couldn't take it even after all these years burning bright enough he felt like he was going to collapse in one himself.

But he needed to get closer and burns weren't new to him. So he inched closer and closer to him, her laugh chilling him to the bone. Her blue flames roared around him as he inched closer and closer. He did his best to deflect him.

And when she's close enough he takes her down, pinning her to the ground, bending away from the fire she has at her fingertips, on her body, breathing into his face. She let out a broken laugh, her lucidity fading.

"What are you going to do to me, Zuzu? Abandon me? Lock me up? Kill me?"

Her voice broke the last few words, her expression softening, reaching for Zuko, her haunting laugh changing from broken to maniacal. And now she was lost in the madness she had found. She started to reach at something he couldn't see. 

His heart broke for her as she said that, remembering that as much as he got the brunt of his father's wrath, Azula was terrified of falling out of favour with their father.

He could hear his friends behind him rushing towards him, yelling. He didn't even know when they had gotten here, so focused on getting to Azula.

He turned his head towards them, yelling, "Back up. Back up. It's fine, I can handle here."

And when they didn't listen to him, he swept out one of his arms, sending a wall of flame to stop them. "I said BACK OFF!"

So they retreated, and Zuko turned his attention back to Azula. His hair fell into his eyes as he turned back to look at her. "Azula. Azula. Azula. Zula. Zula." He said her name like a prayer, holding her close as she stayed trapped in her mind. He could vaguely register that the other, Katara, Toph, Aang, Sokka, talking behind him. But he was so focused he could care less about them.

He brushed her hair out of her face. "I would never do what our father did to you. Never lightning. Never abandon you. Never kill you. Just come back to me, Azula. I just want my little sister back. I don't care about being fire lord or anything. I just want my little sister back."

His words were desperate and pleading. He really did just want his sister back. He had always loved her as she was, even when she started to hurt him for their father's favour. He had always known she was more than that. She was ambitious and intelligent, she was more empathetic than people thought. And she fiercely cared about her family, even if it was misdirected for years.

And he didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve his title. Not if he couldn't protect Azula. His little sister.

"Come back, Zula. I'll never leave you. Come back to me."

But she stayed trapped in her mind, and he stayed on the ground, rocking her back and forth, chanting, "Come back to me, Zula. Come back to me. Come back to me."

And his friends, his family, watched as he grieved his sister and everything she could have been. Everything she had lost, and everything they had lost.

But the sun was rising, because Zuko was a workaholic and worked until well after midnight. Because Zuko barely slept as it was and anxiety over Azula didn't help him sleep. 

So Katara decided she needed to help how she could because Zuko needed sleep. Zuko needed a break. And now that Azula was here, Azula needed help. No one else was able to help, and no one else was going to because these children were war heroes, they didn't need help.

"Zuko," she put his hand on his shoulder. "Zuko. You have to let her go. We can help her but you need to let her go. Your people need you. We need you. And once Azula wakes up, she'll need you, too."

He looked at her, and Katara's heart broke for her best friend who had lost everything. This boy who had lost everything, and still tried to give and give and give, even when he had nothing left.

So she eased Azula out of his arms, the only person he would ever let take Azula.

And Sokka took Azula's place, wrapping his arms around Zuko. And Zuko let himself be pulled into the embrace, trying to keep the wracking sobs pushed down. But couldn't stop the choking threat of them or the tears that silently rolled down his face and into Sokka's clothes.

He let himself feel the pain and the panic. Let himself feel for just a second before he had to shove it all back down into a box and feel numb enough to get through his meetings.

And as the tears stopped, because they always dried up quickly, he took deep breaths, pushing all of his feelings into that box. And the choking threat of sobs retreated, the pain he felt for his sister was gone. All that was left was an empty, numb feeling in his chest that made him pull away from Sokka.

He wiped his eyes, thinking about the meetings he had today, the responsibilities that he had. He gathered his robes and started to rearrange them to look like he hadn't just torn them off to fight. 

Then he left his friends in that courtyard, heading back to the office he had left however many hours ago. To prepare for his next meeting. Because there was still so much to fix.

And Katara healed, her heart breaking for her best friend who wouldn't stop loving with his whole heart.

And Aang watched as Zuko went, his heart breaking for his family who would not stop fighting. 

And Toph followed Zuko, her heart breaking for her pseudo older brother who had so much love to give.

And Sokka watched as he went, his heart breaking for his boyfriend who would not stop loving his people. 

Because they had seen the expression on Zuko's face before. They had seen him get rid of his emotions like there was nothing left to feel, like he wasn't allowed to.

The last time he had that expression he had collapsed from exhaustion, dehydration, and starvation. He had almost been killed by his own stupidity, and then an assassin.

They would not let that happen again, and as Zuko left them they all decided that they would not let it get that bad again. They would give him today, but they would not let him kill himself for something he thinks he has to make up for.

Because he did not fail his people, his sister or them. He had never failed them.

He would turn himself into ash trying to make up for mistakes he had never made, and the ones he had already made up for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I haven't really been able to write because I've been bombarded by Chemistry and then Physics at school. I hoped you all enjoyed the chapter, and I should be wrapping up this story next chapter. I hope you all enjoyed.
> 
> And if you sensed a bit of projection, no you didn't.
> 
> I'll try to get the next chapter out soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko has the deal with the aftermath of his fight with Azula, and the meetings that were still scheduled for that day. He ends up hiding his injuries from his family and falling back into old, unhealthy coping mechanisms as he tries to make it through the day without dissociating.
> 
> Luckily, his family cares about him, and wants to help take care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-harm in the form of scratching and neglecting injuries
> 
> Let me know if there are others I should add.

All throughout his meetings, Zuko couldn’t stop the jittering of his leg or the scratching of his hand under the table. He made sure to keep as much as he could hidden, but the girl serving him at his first meeting kept giving him concerned looks.

He couldn’t get the look of Azula off of his mind, the face she had when he had pinned her. She was terrified. Terrified of him and what he would do. Because of Ozai.

It made anger course through his veins. It made him unmistakably sad to know that she even thought to act like that, that she was terrified of what he might do to her.

Even though he was distracted through the majority of the day, scratching at the burns on his arms, at his hands, his mind half somewhere else. He made the decisions he thought were best at meetings, and when they were done, he buried himself in research work.

When he had fallen into a spiral of thoughts about how to help Azula, how to help his people, a knock at his office door snapped him out of it. He pulled his eyes away from the bookshelf he had been staring at intermittently for the better part of two hours, wondering who would knock on his door at this time. His meetings hadn’t stopped until well after sunset.

Before he could say anything, the doors to his office were shoved open, but not slammed against the walls. Toph came stomping into the room like she usually does, plopping herself down across from him. His guards in the hall peeked their heads in to look at Zuko, but he waved them away. They closed the doors as they went back to their posts on either side of his office doors.

Toph obnoxiously put her feet up onto his desk as Zuko started to organize his papers. He knew that some kind of conversation with his friends was going to come, he was just waiting for who it would be and when. It looked like now was the time they had decided to send Toph.

“So, Sparky, have you eaten anything today?” Toph asked.

With her feet up on the table she wouldn’t decisively be able to tell if he was lying using her earthbending but she always somehow knew when he was lying. He decided not to answer.

“Ok, I’m going to take that as a no. How long have you been working?” She asked, which he also decided not to answer. “Stupid question, I already know. Since the sun came up this morning. Not that I could see it. Final question for now, how long have you been awake?”

He didn’t want to answer, he didn’t want to talk, because he was unbelievably tired. His sigh, and putting his head to his desk was enough of an answer for Toph.

She swung her feet off of his desk and walked over to him. “Alright, we’re getting you something to eat, and then to bed.”

She grabbed his hand and started to drag him out of his chair, he followed her. As he stood up he could feel the twinge of scratched broken skin. He wanted to crawl out of his skin and curl up somewhere soft and warm and safe, and away from the pressure of being the Fire Lord, of being good enough for his friends, his family, away from seeing his sister hurting so badly.

The pain helped stop him from dissociating from exhaustion and spiralling thoughts. And as Toph led him through the palace and back to his rooms, he tried to fight off the waves of exhaustion that was making his steps heavy and laboured, that made him want to curl up in a ball on the floor and fall asleep.

As they got closer to his rooms, he started to smell food. It made his stomach grumble, and he knew that he hadn’t eaten since yesterday. He had kept track of each meal he couldn’t eat, guilty for wasting food when so many people were still starving after a war that his nation, his ancestors had started.

When they entered his rooms, his sitting room had been converted into some sort of blanket fort, food covering the table that was placed just in reach of the end. Aang, Katara and Sokka had already dished themselves plates, sitting in a semi-circle with two places beside Sokka empty.

Toph sat him down beside Sokka who handed Zuko a plate, starting to pile some food, food that Zuko tended to gravitate towards on days he felt sick with guilt, shame, grief, anxiety. Safe foods that didn’t make him want to throw up, and let him eat even when his anxiety, his feelings made his appetite disappear.

And they let him eat in silence, his hunger making itself more known as he continues to eat the foods Sokka had piled on his plate. Toph was eating almost as vigorously as Zuko.

When Zuko finished eating Sokka took his plate, and together with Aang, they both started to clear away the finished dishes of food. Zuko felt better after eating. He always did, even if it was a struggle to eat the first bit.

Zuko turned to Katara. “How is she?”

“She’s fine, Zuko. I did what I could to align some of her chi paths but the only way she can get better, truly better, it’s going to take more than healing water.”

Zuko nodded. “I know. Thank you, Katara.”

“Of course, Zuko.” She reached for his right hand, his dominant one, and the one that didn’t have any visible scratches on it. She squeezed it in support and he felt his fingers on his left-hand grab onto his sleeve to keep it covering the majority of his hand. He was lucky Toph had grabbed onto his right hand when she had led him back here.

It was nice to have the physical support of someone he now considered his best friend. They were so alike, but it also meant that their friendship was unbreakable, with the undying loyalty they each had for those they loved. Beside him, Toph seemed to have already fallen asleep from all the food

Sokka and Aang came back into the room, and Sokka said, “We should get Zuko changed into some comfier clothes before we settle in for the night. We will be right back.”

And as Katara let go of his right hand, Sokka grabbed the crook of his left elbow to help him up. Now that Sokka had mentioned it, he could see that everyone else, even Toph, had changed into nightclothes instead of the clothes they wore regularly. So he let Sokka drag him into his closet and start to pick out some for him to wear.

Sokka left after he laid out the clothes, and went to grab something. Zuko tried to change as quickly as he could, but when Sokka came back, an informal hair tie in hand, Zuko’s chest, back and arms were on full display. His forearms were covered in burns and scratched alike, his chest had smaller burns, his hips had deep scratch marks on them and his shoulder blades did, too.

Zuko froze as Sokka started to make his way over to him, Zuko’s back half turned to Sokka, so he couldn’t see the damage on his arms and torso. Sokka lightly touched the deep scratches on his shoulders.

“Zuko.”

Sokka’s voice was heartbreaking. Like he couldn’t bear to see the deep scratches on his back. Like he couldn’t stand to know that Zuko was hurting this much.

Zuko meekly turned around, holding his elbows with his arms crossed in front of him, and his shoulders drooped around him. Sokka lightly took Zuko’s arms into his hands, searching his skin in the dim light. On Zuko’s left hand the area in between his pointer finger and thumb had scabbed over, the scratches deep.

Sokka ran his hands over the burns on his forearms, lingering on the deeps scratches on the burns. Then Sokka started to examine his chest, noting the smaller burns. Sokka’s eyes caught onto the scabbed scratches high on Zuko’s hips, his hands going to them. Touching them reverently. Gently.

And that had Zuko’s eyes burning, the box opening to let the intense emotions hit him in the chest, close up his throat. Zuko brought up a hand to cover his mouth as a sob made its way out of his throat.

Sokka put his arms around Zuko, pulling him into his chest. And as Zuko collapsed to the floor, wanting to curl in on himself in embarrassment, in sadness, Sokka sunk down to the floor with him. Still holding onto Zuko’s heaving shoulders, the shudders that went through his body trying to stop the sobs.

But Zuko couldn’t stop the outpouring of emotion, the exhaustion and worry and anxiety and everything else finally catching up with him. He let Sokka hold him, let him hold together all the pieces that felt like they were falling apart.

He let Sokka hold him, finding comfort in the press of Sokka’s head against his and the press of his head against the fabric covering his chest and in the stable, safe arms that held him. He let himself fall apart a little there, in Sokka’s arms. It was the safest he had ever felt.

In the other room, Toph took her feet off of the stone floor, and propped it up on the table, Katara already reprimanding her.

\-----

When Zuko’s tears had stopped and he pulled away from Sokka all he felt was exhausted. And embarrassed.

Sokka kept a hold of his shoulders as Zuko wiped the tears off of his cheeks. He really hoped his eyes weren’t red. Sokka stood, helping Zuko to his feet, and grabbing Zuko’s shirt. He gets Zuko to put it on, before he starts to drag him back to the sitting room.

“We’re getting Katara to look at your injuries.”

“But-”

“No buts, Zuko. The burns are serious enough that Katara needs to look at them. I know your pain tolerance is high, Zuko, but I can’t believe you’ve been walking around with those injuries like their nothing.”

Zuko sighed. He knew he wouldn’t get away with not getting them looked at, even the self-inflicted injuries, especially with Katara in the other room. But he was ashamed that he had needed to fall back on the old coping mechanism he had developed after he was banished. His scar, when it had still been a burn, had itched and itched and itched, but he wasn’t ever allowed to itch it, it would only make it worse. So he had started to itch other parts of his body to forget about it.

But he let Sokka drag him into the other room where Katara was braiding Toph’s hair and Aang was eagerly watching as Katara showed him the steps of braiding hair. When they walked back into the room, Katara’s eyes had already picked out the burns that were visible on his forearms, the short-sleeved shirt doing nothing to hide the damage.

Katara immediately let go of the half-formed braid in Toph’s hair to walk over to examine Zuko’s arms. She picked up his left arm first, noticing the deep scratches on his hand and on his burn.

“Zuko.”

She sounded horrified and pained when she said his name. He squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head away. He was ashamed of what he was done. And so exhausted of indirectly hurting his friends, his family, who meant so much to him.

After she was done examining both forearms, she was pulling water from wherever she could, and even asked the servants to get her a pitcher of water. When she had collected enough water, she sat Zuko down on the edge of the blanket fort and started on his arms.

She was quiet for a while as she started to work before she said quietly, “Why?”

Zuko wasn’t ready for the question and didn’t really know what she was asking about. The scratching? The burns?

He went for intelligently opening his mouth, not words coming out. Aang and Toph had moved behind Katara, Aang so he could see whatever Katara was so upset about and Toph because she had no idea what was going on.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me about the burns? These are pretty serious, Zuko, and you’ve been walking around like they’re nothing.” She paused for a second, looking up at him. “Why have you been hurting yourself?”

At that question, Toph’s face contorted in confusion, and Aang moved a bit closer to investigate. He gasped when he saw the deep scratches on his left hand, and the ones that were visible beside the burn.

“What’s she talking about, Sparky? You’ve been hurting yourself?”

Zuko sighed. He took a moment before he answered. “It’s a habit I developed a while ago. When I was first banished from the Fire Nation and my burn started itching. Whenever I get really upset or anxious or whatever, sometimes I’ll spiral into my thoughts and not realize I’ve been scratching skin raw. And it keeps me more grounded in the moment when I need to be.” He added reluctantly. “Like today. I was more upset than I realized. And I honestly forgot about the burns until I was in my office alone. I figured it wasn’t bad enough to stress you guys out about.”

Katara looked mad, but didn’t say anything for a while. Aang just seemed horrified, and so did Sokka.

“Your burn,” Toph started. “The one on your face. I’ve heard a lot about it, but I don’t actually know where you got it. Or, for that fact when you were banished. If I can bring that I up?”

Toph seemed unsure at her last question, but Zuko was reeling. “You don’t know?”

“We’ve all heard rumours, but never a full story or anything,” Sokka answered for her. “But we didn’t want to pry if you didn’t want to tell us.”

“I didn’t even know you guys didn’t know. I sort of thought everyone knew.”

Toph started to fiddle with her fingers. “Can I- Can I touch your scar? So I- uh, can know what you look like? Really your face in general.”

Zuko nodded but realized Toph couldn’t see him. “Uh, yeah. Go ahead.”

Toph walked closer, and Katara shifted slightly so she could keep healing the burn on Zuko’s arm but giving Toph enough room. Toph put her hands up into the air towards Zuko’s face, but paused. Zuko loosely took her wrist with the arm that Katara didn’t have and guided Toph’s hand to his face.

She gently mapped the crevices of the unscarred part of his face before she started to feel the other side, until she felt the ridges of the scar. It had been so long since someone, other than Sokka, had touched that side of his face so tenderly.

As she kept feeling the scar, mapping out what it looked like, what it felt like, Zuko’s voice rasped out into the silent room.

“When I was thirteen, I wanted to make my father proud. I wanted him to see that I was fit to be the heir, the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation. So I convinced my uncle to get me into the war room. He told me not to speak, just to listen. And when one of the generals made a suggestion that I didn’t agree with, to tactically sacrifice a whole battalion of new recruits, I spoke out against the general. I said that we were betraying our people by sacrificing them for land. But it was seen as disrespectful, and my father wasn’t happy. Neither was the general. So my father ordered me to fight in an Agni Kai.”

Zuko’s voice started to tremble, but his expression remained indifferent. It was one of the most terrifying things Sokka had seen. One of the most horrifying too. “An Agni Kai is a firebending duel, where the only way to win is to either seriously injure or kill your opponent. No weapons, only fire. I thought I would be fighting the general when I agreed, but when it was revealed who I would really be fighting when the Agni Kai first started, I refused to fight. Because I had disrespected the Fire Lord when I had spoken out in his war room. And I was a loyal fool who thought my father would spare me. So-” Zuko’s voice hitched. “So, I got down on my knees to beg my father for forgiveness. I even thought he would give me that forgiveness I had wanted when he cupped my face in his hand. Like a real father would. But instead he said, ‘you will learn respect and suffering will be your teacher’ before he lit my face on fire. It’s why the scarring is so severe. I let him hold fire to my face for minutes so the burn was severe enough I almost died. Firebenders don’t burn easily. But we still burn.”

Zuko couldn’t stop a single tear from falling from his good eye. Toph’s hands had dropped into her hand, horrified. “After that, he banished me before I even woke up after he burned me so badly. He banished me with nowhere to go and twenty four hours to leave. And my uncle got me an old Fire Nation ship, an old crew, and minimal medical supplies to keep me alive.” Zuko took deep breaths, trying to keep the tears at bay. “I was thirteen, and I thought I had lost my honour because he had taken it away. But he had burned my face and cast me aside like I was nothing.”

Zuko let out a deprecating laugh, making eye contact with Sokka. “Azula was there, too. At the Agni Kai. She laughed as she watched my face get burned off, you know that? She was terrified. She had just watched her big brother get his face burned off by her father. She was the prodigy, but she was afraid that if she was anything less than perfect, she’d be cast aside like I was.”

Katara had paused healing his arm to look at him, concern and horror mixing in her expression. “Zuko...”

“But now I know what he did was wrong and that he couldn’t have taken my honour. He couldn’t give it back to me either. Because what he did was cruel and wrong, and neither of us deserved that.” Katara reached for his other hand, getting back to healing his other arm. “I know that now.”

When Zuko looked up at Aang, he had tears streaming down his face. The look on his face was indecipherable. He saw a hand move out of the corner of his eye, and flinched before he realized it was Toph. They had all seen him flinch away from touch before but now they knew the reason. Even the rumours couldn’t have given them this story.

Toph reached again for Zuko’s face, and Zuko let her touch his scar again.

“Your scar doesn’t make you any less strong, you know that Zuko? It makes you one of the strongest people I know because you fought. You fought to live, and you fought to bend again, and you fought until you had your honour back. And your scar, whatever abuse you endured, doesn’t make you any less.”

Zuko was surprised at what she had said, but he felt a bubble of happiness fight through the sadness and anger and anxiety. Because Toph saw him as family, and Toph didn’t think any less of him because of what he had done and what he went through.

“Thank you,” he looked at all of them. “Thank you.”

And they sat in silence until Katara had mostly healed the burns on Zuko’s forearms, and the scratches covering each. “Is there anywhere else that I should take a look at Zuko?”

Just as he was about to say no, Sokka answered for him. “You should take a look at his upper back and chest.”

Sokka gave him a look from where he stood behind Katara, and Katara glared back at Zuko. She tugged at Zuko’s shirt. “Off.”

So Zuko obliged, and the others gasped, except Toph who couldn’t see anything, as he revealed the burns littering his chest and the scratches high on his hips. Katara immediately started to heal him, switching out the water used to heal his forearms with new water.

" I can’t believe you were going to just ignore any other injuries you had. Some of these are actually pretty deep burns and if any of them had gotten infected you would have been in trouble.”

He sighed. “I know,” he said softly, exhausted. As Katara continued to heal him, Sokka took Aang aside to talk, as he hadn’t stopped looking devastated and horrified and guilty, and Toph curled herself up beside him, leaning her head against his shoulder.

He let Katara work on the burns, and when she started to heal the scratches on his hips, he felt his face heat up in embarrassment. When she was done, she took one look at Toph, who had fallen asleep on his shoulder, and climbs behind him to take a look at his shoulders. There aren’t any bad burns on his back, but there are the deep scratches that she heals.

When she asks him if there is anywhere else he had been burned. When he replied no, Toph said, “He’s lying.”

Zuko shot her a glare where she had half fallen asleep on his shoulder. Katara gave him a look. “There’s a burn on my calf.”

And he pulled the right leg of his pants up to expose the burn. It was pretty bad and he could feel the annoyance of Katara the whole time she was healing his leg.

Sokka and Aang came back into the room, Aang more composed.

“Are there any other injuries, Zuko?”

“No. There are not.”

Katara looks at Toph to confirm, and she nods. Katara pushes him into the blanket fort, onto his back, pushing Toph with him. “Now, it’s sleep time.”

Zuko scooted back to get properly into the blanket fort, Toph grumbling as he moves. Sokka climbs in to join him on his left as Toph claims his right side. Sokka climbs a bit behind him to let Zuko lay his head on his chest as Toph situates herself into Zuko’s side, and both Katara and Aang curl up on his left side, laying their heads against his leg.

Before he realizes it, Zuko’s eyes are sliding closed, and he’s sleepily mumbling, “Love you guys. Good night.”

Forty-eight hours, or more, on an emotional roller coaster would be a lot for anyone, so the others were relieved to see that he hadn’t had trouble going to sleep. And that he trusted them. That he felt safe with them. Toph was the second to fall asleep, followed by Sokka. Aang curled into Katara’s side, and soon they were all asleep.

Peacefully asleep, like they were normal teenagers for one night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. There is going to be at least one more chapter, and maybe a fifth if I get too carried away. Let me know if I should add anything to the trigger warnings because this is honestly my first time writing fanfiction. It's also my first time writing in third person. How am I doing?
> 
> Let me know if I got anything from the show wrong. The way that Zuko described how he got banished has always been how I interpreted it when I first watched the show, so I hope you like my take on it.
> 
> Anyway, I, as always, hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Have fun and don't die.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this fic. About a week ago, I wrote a oneshot(?) inspired by Home by Cavetown after listening to it too much and decided to create a longer fic (that fic is called Monsters and Trainwrecks, I'd suggest reading that or listening to the song to really get a sense of where I'm headed with this fic). I honestly wrote this first chapter in two days and I'm not sure when the second chapter will be out. This fic will probably only be two chapters, but let's see where my fingers take me.
> 
> Also, just to let you know, I'm not sure I got all of the A:TLA terminology right, so let me know and I'll fix it. I'm also not totally comfortable with the way AO3 formats things and all of the tags, so let me know if something is wrong. I'll have the next chapter out as soon as possible, and please leave comments and kudos, I eat them up and am always looking for feedback.


End file.
